One of the most difficult things is to know that the journey has ended, since the next step is letting go of what became known, comfortable, and supportive regardless how challenging and painful and terrifying it was. In some ways, with time it became familiar.
Living in ambiguity is not easy. What, where, how? Why? . . . Right? . . . I know . . .
This notebook, my travel journal, is almost out of pages, yet I keep writing and writing and writing and focusing on finishing this part. My son already told me that this Journey is coming to an end.
Recently I too started to see a new vision. A new reality—the vision of a ship. This new vision replaced the vision of me walking through the Desert of Death, which I had seen and lived in right after my son shifted . . . 54 moons ago.
In the Desert of Death, I survived and witnessed 54 full moons. 54 moons saw me. They watched me. They shared their light with me. The light that they reflected from the sun.
In this new vision, in this new alternative reality . . . that looks cinematographic, as if I am inside a movie but able to watch myself too . . . we as a family are all on a new voyage.
Being all together on the ship. On that ship, our son as the helmsman maintains a course that is set for us as a family while each of us attends to our daily needs and routines to maintain the ship in tip-top shape.I can clearly see him standing on the bridge. I watch him maintaining the communication with the “Officer” in charge. I know that he is going to keep the navigation of our vessel steady and safe. Who else can I trust, if not my son?
Sometimes I can hear him repeating a command that is given to him. Sometimes I understand what it means; most of the time, I don’t. He watches the open waters, and sometimes I see him focusing on a gyrocompass and other devices and then back to watching the waters.
Is this journey in the open sea the next stage after crossing the Desert of Death?
Am I done with crossing the Desert? Is my family done with crossing the Desert?
Did I complete the task? Did I pass the test? Why did my vision change? Why did I no longer see the Desert of Death?
While I was alone with my son in the Desert of Death, here, we are all together on this voyage. Then why am I scared? Did I become so comfortable with the Desert of Death that the open sea is terrifying for me now?
The truth is that in the open sea, there is no place to hide. There are no caves. There are no boulders. And if you want to be alone in the Desert, you can be alone as alone as you wish. Just sit in your cave and be done with it
But the sea is alive. It’s open. It breathes and moves. And on the deck of the ship we are all together. We are all sharing the same vessel. If the ship goes down, we are all going down. We all have to fight together for our life.
So the sea is calling me. My son is the steering wheel forging ahead. I have to go. I have to go now.
I shared with you the best of what was given to me and the best way I could. Now, I can only hope that it will help you too as it helped us.
Where are we going? Where is he taking me, us?
Is the destination important? Not for me as long as my son is showing the way.
In the end, the only Journey there is, is our Journey Home. The end. En Sof.*
My dearest mommy, here I am. I never left you. Never will. We are bounded together by a love that never sleeps.
I bring you messages from heaven. You wash my soul in tears of love.
You hold me tightly into the warmth of your heart. Together mommy we are a unit—the unit of blessings, grace, and love. The laugh of a mother and son—what can be more innocent and gentle than that?
The time is passing, who is the master?
Your body changed just as you did. When the physical decays, the soul only grows bigger and stronger till the end of time.
The spirit does not know limits. The soul is not restricted by the life of a shell. We are never lost my dearest mommy. In the infinity of space, we are never lost.
We are here with all those who are still on earth. The time will come when the veil is lifted and right in front of your eyes you will see you and me still standing together untouched by the distance of space and boundaries of time.
It may sound strange to you my dearest mommy, but certain things will never age or change. Love will always prevail and once again the giants will be brought back to life.
In this already hot and humid day of summer, I sit with you as once we did before. Please see me mommy, please invite me on this day and tomorrow and farther more. Do not lose sight that we are together regardless of what you feel or what anyone might say.
Trust your heart, your soul, your love, your intuition. Trust me, trust you, trust us.
My spirit will move you, guide you, and put you in the right direction. I did before. You felt it and followed. Now we are here.
New energy of time is coming. More steps to take. More work to do. Get stronger. Get better. Get more vibrant. Get ready for the next part of journey.
Now rest. Then let’s focus. Let’s finish what we started. Let’s move it to the next page. Please remember that work is work but our connection is something else. Without that you would not be nourished or supported. Therefore, before doing anything else, think of us, love us, embrace us, and remember to hold onto my hand.
I never left, mom. I am around. You know this; I know it too. So stop thinking or pretending something is lost or is not here.
Hold on to me my dearest mommy. Feel my spirit, feel my love. We are just souls that love to travel through space and time to distant worlds. Come to my ship my dearest mommy. Come to my ship and we will fly. From world to world, in due time it will come.
The fantasy of the human mind is limited by the boundaries of the brain. The soul knows no limits or boundaries, just the infinity of time and space.
Every mother of every generation feels joy looking into the eyes of her child. Why? Because that spring of love, the water in the desert, remains in the same old spot as centuries before. There are so many changes every minute, every moment, but certain things remain the same. That is why you should trust our love and connection because it’s all that is and it’s all that was. I love you dearly.
My mommy dearest, take a break and then you will see that you and I are working steadfastly day after day, month after month, and that is how the story ends.
There is no end, no death, only life, only the beginning. Rest and focus. I am here with you till the end of time.
Note 1: A bird bird died in our backyard. “Why?” I wondered. “Is it a sign? Is it a message?”
I noticed a bump on the window. The bird thought it was opened. It thought it could get in.
What was it trying to tell me?
What kind of closed doors and windows do I fly into? Why did it want to get into the house and out of its realm if its freedom is in the air?
Am I that bird that walks away from freedom? Or maybe another death is upon me? Where is my blind spot? Where and how am I losing my life and freedom? Is it about me?
My dearest mom, my love, my nurturer, you are an albatross of the sea and a dolphin of the waves. Your freedom lies in your heart and the strong connection to me, the supernatural, and to G-d.
The attributes of our soul, the love, kindness, and compassion, are the levers of your widespread wings. With them you will never lose your freedom. They are the compasses of the heart that keeps you on your path.
The blind spots hidden in our psych makes you think you cannot do it. You can spend all your life trying to discover them or you can accept them by knowing the following: When you are down, blind spots are up. When you are drained, in pain, or struggling, blind spots are on its way. If you are suffering and feeling like you’re drowning, blind spots are on its way.
Blind spots are places where there is no light, but if you bring the love and compassion to your soul, you will see very slowly the fog being lifted and the clarity of the path resurface.
Once again you will be on your way and the blind spots will disappear from our shining essence.
You being a swimmer all your life and swimming in a wild sea and ocean, you know the rules: do not fight the waves and if tired, just lay on your back and let the waves carry you.
Lay on your back, Mom, and let the waves of life carry you for a while. Your blind spot was that you forgot there was no reason to fight the current.
Lay on your back, Mom. Catch your breath. Refocus and let go the useless hope of knocking into an old closed doors. Your focus must be on your soul, the new path, and new journey.
The chapter of new life must be written of you, me, us, and energy of love, and energy of a loyal mother and her children.
Death is not upon you. Death is not upon you. The wind of changes is here again. Let’s focus more on our project. Let’s focus on work, you, me, and on us.
Lay on your back, Mom, rest and know: I am with you. You are not alone. The bird that died in our backyard is just a sign to be aware of the blind spots that can hurt us if we are not consulting our soul in the direction of our path.
Note 2:The next day, my friend called me with a terribly sad news. She said that this night her recently divorced son-in-law committed suicide. I knew her son-in-law. We spoke on the phone a few times. Could not believe it! It was a horrible news. Heartbreaking!
He jumped from the roof of the hotel where he was staying. After several days of drinking and gambling, very early in the morning, he made a choice to end his life. In the prime years of his life!
Just like a bird, he flew into the darkness of abyss in the break of a new dawn. The main difference between him and the bird is that animals do not have free will as humans do.
So when we humans received our souls and thus free will, we also got responsibilities. When given the choice of life or death, we commanded to choose Life.
Regardless of what we face, regardless how challenging our situation may be and how unbearable life may look and feel, we must continuously fight for our life even if we are fighting our own wounded ego.
We must survive the Night of the Soul . . . we must, we must, we must . . . we must wait till the New Dawn will unfold. It will!
Hi mommy, hi. Here we are again, you and I on yet another white page. What will that page become? What that empty space—that container—will hold? What will we write? What will we birth? What will we bring to this world with you listening and I speaking? What is there left to say?
We have been talking nonstop for four and a half years. What else do you need to know? We must conceal some truth yes? You know this right? We must leave certain portions hidden. It must retain its magnetic force that will continually attract souls to self-discovery.
It will keep the seeking souls on its quest. The founded treasure is a lost treasure. Paradox, yes I know. In the end, the journey of discovery is more valuable than any treasure box regardless of what is inside because those inside jewels means only one thing—end of journey. Humanity is far away from the end. And same with you.
Therefore I think at this point I have shared with you everything you need to know. Everything that needs to be shared with others as well as at this time.
That does not mean we will not be speaking to each other any longer. We will. I’m not going anywhere. What it means is that now we need to polish and structure it. Most of all you must apply it to your life every day, every minute.
Without an application, it will remain just a theory and just an interesting story. Mom, please do not get sad. This is not a goodbye. I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. But we are coming to a closure for this part of the journey. We must reach higher.
Now we must complete this work. Now this part will soon be over. The work is shifting and the project is changing, but not our connection.
If anything, it will become stronger and deeper, but now we will have to go into the world. You must get ready to face the world and offer our work. You cannot remain where you are.
I know it may feel scary to you. You may feel doubtful and not ready. I say yes, you are. You must start to push your comfort zone. You must challenge yourself. You must walk over every doubt and fear and we will do it together.
You must keep healing your body. You must keep healing your mind, but you must engage in what is necessary at this moment. Shift your load of work.
Do not search what is new. Do not wonder around. Focus and bring our project to an end. End of the project does not equal end of our work. Our work is just starting.
You must become stronger and more resilient with a higher level of endurance. For this be more disciplined, focused, and sharp. Talk less, write more.
Fear not—act. You are in a realm of action. Act. Act in serenity. Act in calmness. Act in confidence and peace. Just focus. Just focus. Just focus. Just focus. Just focus. Just focus That is the key for today. That is the key for tomorrow.
This is it. What was given to you—what was revealed to you—treasure, organize, polish, pack, and offer it. What was given to you is healing water for souls and hearts of many. Do not pollute. Keep it clean, clear, and simple. Do not overthink. Let it flow. Let it flow. Do not interfere.
You shall listen to me with your heart. You shall listen to me with your soul. You shall be calm with awareness and know that I am not going anywhere.
Stay away from angry people. Stay away from those who lie. Stay away from unnecessary meanness, manipulations, trickery, desperation, rage, and lies.
Trust your heart. Trust your soul. Trust the plan. Trust our love. Trust you. Trust me. Trust us. Trust the guiding force. Trust the whisper of the universe. Trust. Trust that we are together. Trust that you are never alone.
Trust that your life is the meaning of love. Trust that your life is precious. Trust that you are a gift. Trust that without you the world will be emptier. Trust that you still have work to do. Trust that you are guided. Trust that you are watched. Trust that you are protected. Trust that you are nourished, loved, and adored.
Stay away from mind games and from dark corners of doubts and fears. Stay away from false sweetness of compromises, easy way outs, and from crooked ways that can sneak up on you in times of challenges, sorrow, tears, and crisis.
Do not fear your tears. Do you fear your happiness. Do not fear your trust. Do not fear your convictions. Do not fear our love.
Accept your day. Embrace your hour. Respect your life.
Hold my hand. Rest in the palm of a hand. Speak with me often. Write with me everyday. Think of me forever. Love us in eternity.
Fight for your life. Fight for us. Fight for what is right. Fight for what is dear. Fight for what is true. Fight for what is yours. Fight for what is ours. Fight for what belongs. Fight for what (who) is lost and weakened.
Restore the dignity of your life. Restore the peace and balance in your home and family. Restore your place where you belong as the mother of our family.
Safeguard your heart. Safeguard your soul. Safeguard your integrity. Safeguard your work. Safeguard your tongue. Safeguard your memory. Safeguard those you love and those who are in need of protection.
Work everyday, do not look back. Work everyday. Do not fear. Do not question. Do not critique. Work everyday. Move forward. Move ahead. Work everyday with focus, stamina, and purpose.
Your Life has a value—remember that. Your Life has a meaning—remember that. Your Life has a purpose—remember that. Your Life is a treasure—remember that. Your Life is for living—remember that. Your Life is for loving—remember that. Your Life is for healing—remember that.
Your Life is for fixing what is wrong, shifting darkness, bringing warmth and beauty where you are—remember that. Remember You, Remember me. Remember Us, Remember Love.
Remember Stars. Remember Full Moon. Remember Roots. Remember Your Song. Remember your Music. Remember Your Place. Remember your Time. Remember Remember Remember.
Act from your heart. Act with your soul. Act in togetherness, you and me.
My dearest Mom, I love you, I am here. You’re not alone. We are all around you. Yes I cannot help you clean your house as you did before, but I will still be right next to you. Consider me your cheerleader. I know how emotionally painful that is to you.
I feel your body screaming. I hear how your heart is crying. I see how your soul is suffering. Cleaning our home was a family thing. We did not want to do it but you organized us and taught us.
You were teaching us how to be self-sufficient, how to be neat and organized, and how to respect manual labor so we would not grow up as spoiled brats. But you taught us something else as well mom. You taught us how to be a family and how to be shoulder to shoulder.
You taught us how to not mess around and how to clean up our own messes of we do. Now I want to give something back.
I want to teach you that you are still our Mom. I want to teach you how much you are loved. I want to show that you will never be alone. So while you are cleaning our rooms, I will be singing to you.
While you work on one window after another I will stay next to you and give you energy to do so. While you vacuum I will hold your heart in my hands. I will wrap around your soul—my soul. We will be together. We will.
Do not fear an empty house as I am here. Do not fear our bedrooms, I am there. Do not fear taking paper from the floor; it is time. Do not fear taking off our tapes; move forward. Do not fear to throw away things and make room for the new.
Note: When my son mentioned paper and tapes, he was referring to the following:
Our son shifted at a time when we were almost done with remodeling our house. Right before he left, we asked him to cover the new floor of the living room with construction paper. It had to be painted.
I was traveling at that time, so alone, he by himself covered the floor with paper and tapes. He was also the one who chose the new entry door.
It’s interesting that I had personally ordered a door without a window though my son wanted a window. It was a small window, the one that can be opened and closed so we can see who is at the door.
In the end, our order was somehow switched, and he got the window he wanted. We got the new entry door exactly as he wanted. So we kept it. He was so happy about it.
After he left, the paper was still on the floor. And the new entry door had a plastic too. That paper was one of the last things he did before he left. For four and a half years, we left the paper untouched. For years, even the door still had plastic on it. I could not tolerate to see the door without him. It was HIS door.
I started to receive messages from my son six months before we finally took the paper out. He said it was time to do so. In August 2012, our older son, during his visit, took off the plastic from the kitchen and door and took off the paper and tapes from the floor. Alone I would not be able to do it. Could not!
Make this home our home. Make this home homey. Make it ours. Clean it out. It is time. It is time. It is time.
We are together in this. Follow my lead Mom. Follow my lead. Do what I say. Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.
Another month Mom, another moon month and you feel it. You really do. Every month you feel it before anyone else. The true beauty in the world is concealed, Mom. The true beauty is hidden and must be discovered. The true beauty must be hidden, sealed, and protected. Why?
Unfortunately is in the human nature: to break, destroy, kill, possess, and to desire for themselves. If beauty is destroyed, than the power of beauty is decreased. That is why it must remain hidden. Only those truly attracted and want to protect it and wish to better themselves will keep searching and looking for a true beauty–for a true beauty within.
A beautiful poem hides in the wrinkles of pain and the depth of a tear and between the wide-open space of a page and sharp edge of a pen.
A beautiful painting hides in the shadow of a tree, in a fallen leaf, in the sound of a waterfall, the movement of butterfly wings, and it hides in the heaviness of the rock at the bottom of the mountain and in the lightness of the brush.
Between the strokes of the hand and an empty canvas, there is a space that hides in the music of the wind. And one day, the music of the wind will strike us with uncontrollable desire to search and search and bring to life the beauty that was always there in the cold whiteness of an empty canvas.
Then we’ll search and search for that beauty, not because we want to, but because we must. It drives us into sleepless nights and restless days till we finally capture it.
The beauty of the heart and soul–how many times has it been broken to pieces? The beauty of laughter comes with the painful price of having the natural ability to laugh.
So yes, beauty is concealed, but you do not need to hide from me. I am not the danger. If you had a good day or two, do not fear. If a smile touched your face again, do not run away.
I want you to stand up and walk out from hiding. Do not fear. You are strong enough now to protect it. You do not need to push it back as I will stand with you and guard you.
My mother, I will protect you, do not fear. So break your walls and come out. Smile and laugh and have a great time when it’s due.
Because my body is in the ground does not mean that yours must be too. We, you and I, are strong in our love and spirit.
Would you not want for me what I want for you, would the story be in reverse? Then why are you feeling so guilty about having new friends and enjoying old ones?
Because my body is in the ground does not mean that your soul should die. Because my body is in the ground, your soul must dance with mine.
Yes, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Yes I’m free and at home waiting for you, celebrating your love, beauty, and grace. Because my body is in the ground, I am okay and you must be okay too. I know you do not see it yet. I know you do not feel it yet. You just have a glimpse of it and that is fine, but Mom, I am asking you to drop the guilt, the hiding act, the fear, the suffering, and the pain.
My body is in the ground. That is why I speak to you with no limitations. Expand your views, transcend your values, and believe and trust me, your son and knight in shining armor. I will protect you.
I will protect you—enjoy our laugh and connection. I will protect you. This life is yours. Till last breath, it is yours. Till last smile, it is yours.
Face the day with a smile and sparkles in your eyes. I will protect you. Leave the heavy baggage behind you. I will protect you.
Speak at your will and pull out your heart and soul. I will protect you.
Use your G-d-given skills and gifts without fear or hesitation. I will protect you. I will protect you night and day. I will protect you. I will never leave you.
And yes, another month. And yes it may feel that we are farther apart. That is an illusion. With every month that passes by, we grow closer and closer. I will protect you.
Do not hide. Go, be, smile, and breathe. I will protect you. I am here. I am here.
My body is in the ground but I am here. My body is in the ground but I am stronger than ever. My body is in the ground but my love is in the air and in the room. Can you not feel it? Can you not see it?
Do not give up on us, Mom. Do not give up on us. Keep the fireplace warm and toasty. Keep up your light Mom and do not allow anyone to dim it. No one.
Fight for your light. Fight for your life. I will protect you.
Do not fear the movement of the time. Do not fear the changes of the season. Do not fear the gray slowly covering your hair.
Do not fear your winter. Do not fear the aching pain, the bodily struggles, and health issues. Do not fear the physicality of life. I will protect you.
Do not fear what tomorrow may bring. Do not fear that you will be alone. Do not fear life. I will protect you.
Do not fear what will happen to the project. Do not fear if you have enough to survive. Do not fear all this, all that, beyond, below, and above. Do not fear. I will protect you.
Release your guilt because you just smiled. Release your smile because you just cooked a nice meal. Release your guilt because you did not wake up five times during the night. Release your guilt because today you look good.
Shed your fear, wipe your guilt. Focus on your grace; focus on our love. Focus on us, on me, and divine energy.
Yes another month is here. Yes another full moon above you. Yes, your time is shifting away. That is why DO NOT FEAR G-D WILL PROTECT US.
Shed your fear, wipe your guilt.
My body is in the ground but my soul is alive. Your body will be in the ground but your soul will be next to mine. Think about Soul Journey. Think about Soul Life.
Think today about our soulful connection. Think about our eternal bond and smile at any fears or doubt or guilty feelings that you are still have about fighting battles and doing deeds with me in soul and spirit and you in body and spirit.
We are the same one, Mom. We are united. I love you so.
Fear you not. We are protected by the divinity of love.
Go with your day. See the full moon. Be that full moon and reflect to the world the shining light of Mother-Child love.
Remind the world of the beauty of the child, the beauty of a true mother, the beauty of labor that is concealed in every minute of the day in hugs and smiles, the conversation at the dinner table, the dignity of family, and the integrity of loyalty and care.
Be that Mom, be that reflection that reminds us that the smallest things hide the biggest meanings. Be that full moon, that soft light, in darkest night. The amber soul—the amber moon.
I love you my Amber Mom—mother of celestial boy. The mother of angel boy—my mother. I love you Mom and I need you to go.
We will talk again. My dearest Mommy, my Amber Moon, I will protect you.