12:29pm

Oh my dearest mom, how deeply I love you. It kills me to see how much pain you are in now. I suffer and am in pain from the fact that I cannot help you.

I feel like you’re slipping away, and I cannot really reach you. I don’t know how else to lift you and help you. I feel so powerless and broken. Even this new angelic form is not giving me much in regards to you. I see that you are becoming more and more detached from life and its energy. 

I see your spirit and the merit of your soul fading away.  You remind me of a piece of ice melting under the sun. The environment that is supposed to support you is not doing its job.  Even I don’t know now what is the perfect situation for you to not only to function, but also live.

I see that you’re losing interest in everything.  Our conversations are not giving you bliss. You are writing with me less and less, and I am asking for it more and more.

What is going on mom? What is happening?  How can I help you?  What can I do?

I am sorry for what happened but I cannot change the Divine Plan. My days were numbered like everyone else. You just had a bigger number than me. I am not the one who assigns numbers. I’m not the one who seals the fate. I’m not the one who creates destiny.

I wish I could kiss and hug you now and yell, ”You’re so crazy and weird.”  I wish I could open the door and smell the food you’re making for me.  I wish you could massage my back and touch my hair as you did. But I can’t and that’s not possible anymore. That is neither yours nor my doing.  That is pure G-d’s work. End of story, mom, ok?

With all this in mind, what is next? What is left? What are we going to do, mom? 

You and I are still connected. That is still here. You still love me and I love you even more.

So, what are we going to do with all this love and connections?

I know that you have no answers. I know that you feel lost. So mom, can I offer you some suggestions?

Can I tell you what I want you to do? You always listened to me.  Can you listen to me now?

1. I really want you to write with me every day.
2. I really want you to stop smoking. ( I started when he shifted)
3. I really want you to stop questioning why you are here.  Just wait and see and it will come.
4. I want you to relax and stop looking for a meaning.
5. I truly want you to just be, and not push yourself in one or the other direction.
6. Stop looking into the future.
7. Finish everything in the house; clean it and make it yours.
8. Come and visit me. Talk with me.  Love me. Hear me.

That is all for now mom.  Thank you for listening and loving me. I hug and kiss you. 

I love you, my weird and crazy mom.

–Your son.

8:25am

Hi my dearest mommy,

It’s so nice that you and I are talking again. I love you so much, and I want you to be well. I know you got sick again, but let me tell you something: you needed that. 

You needed to be sick to get away from everyone and burn up the energetic garbage that was building up in your system. ( He was referring to how every time I met with different people, I would get ill. Also, meeting other people brought out very negative feelings inside of me as I felt that they were acting mean and unconsidered and were adding more weight to the pain I already had.).  

Do you feel any changes? Your energetic makeup is changing. We need you to shift even more so. With those changes, you will be able to fight for your life even more.  Let’s talk about feelings of obligations, which are constantly on your mind. 

There is only one obligation you truly have, and that is getting well.

You must get well and your soul must grow and evolve. One way to evolve is to accept Divine Providence’s plan, meaning to accept the life given to you along with everything included.

That is not a simple task, mom, it really isn’t. There is a question rising in you and that question is: “Do we have any say in all this?  If there is a plan for us, do we have a say on this plan?”

The answer is yes. We do have a say on how we approach the plan, what is right and or wrong, and to follow the order or not.  Yes it looks very complicated, but it is actually quite simple.

Simplicity comes from knowing that no one knows the truth, but you do. Only you know about your soul and life. Also, no one knows what is going to happen for sure.  That knowledge is not for the human mind; it is just guess work.

What we do need to know will be shown to us.  In that we must have trust.  I need you to trust, mom, that your path will be shown to you when the time is right. And for this particular moment, just do what has to be done. Just get well!

Part 3 covers from 06-05-09 to 03-01-10.

Did you ever feel as if you are a lightning rod that gets hit by powerful forces over and over and over again? And when you are fully aware that what is taking place is not under your control and area of any influence? Did you ever feel that way?

Well, that is how the next few years felt to me. The year numbers 2, 3, and 4 tested us in any and every way possible. It was getting darker and darker and darker. Year numbers 3 and 4 were the worst.

If I have to give a name for this period, it would be for sure “The Winter Night of My Soul”.  Awfully cold and very long night. It started right after the unveiling of the headstone with a nasty flu that refused to be healed. 

One after another, waves of flu covered me and swept me away. My immune system was diminished and got suppressed. That brought up many side effects and awakening of chronic conditions that were in remission as well. It felt as if my whole system exploded. With my allergic responses to medications, I was left without any help from a traditional medicine. 

By 2010, my health totally crushed. I was becoming disabled. As I kept walking across the Desert of Death, the storm was getting stronger and stronger. With no place to hide. With nowhere to go or run away. No escape!

I also began to slip into depression. Regardless of what my son told me, I was falling to the bottom of the beast’s belly, as if being swallowed by darkness. The conversation that began to take place was focused on my son trying to establish a new connection with me and trying not to lose me. 

We were growing more distant. I was not able to hear him. Thus, I was not able to follow his guidance. This was the part of the journey where I became a student who was more concerned about grades than the essence of education.

I became a student focused more on whether or not the teacher was right than acquiring skills and knowledge. The minute I shifted from learning lessons and answering calls of life to a personal agenda, I started to lose connection with my son.

My mentality became fear-based, such as the fear of being alone, not being able to earn a steady income, losing a home, being pushed to live on the streets, etc. The minute I started to focus on the beef that I had with G-d and Divine Providence, the farther I walked away from Zero Degree of Deviation.

What really caused my depression was my inability to accept the will of Divine Providence. I really had a difficult time comprehending that this was all planned for me. Inside, I felt that my children and I deserved better. That all this is wrong! A mistake! With that thought, I was pushed to come face-to-face with Fate.

My process became all about looking at the eyes of Fate every minute of the day. At times I felt as if I was in a spiritual boot camp. It became a lone journey.

I accepted that I was in pain and was becoming a pile of dust. I often wondered if I had the stomach for not flinching. (“Facing your fate without flinching is the highest achievement that has been granted to man.”—Viktor E. Frankl)

As I was pushed into the darkness, everyone whom I ever loved and/or helped and now was residing in another realm visited me and reminded me of what I did for them. It was amazing how everyone, I mean EVERYONE whom I ever helped . . . even those of whom I was not aware and/or remember that I helped them . . . everyone was visiting me and offering their help.

At that time, I realized that whatever act of kindness we did in our lives would come back to save us. Those I helped became like an army of
souls coming to my aid. I began to look at my life from a different perspective.

Only by 2011 did the grip of winter’s arm start to ease up. I was starting to slowly work on this project, without knowing what it will become at the end.

1:10 a.m. ( exactly one moon year from my son’s shift)

My dearest mommy, thank you so much for listening, hearing, and loving me. Please do not be angry with me for not telling you any specifics in regards to my departure. I beg you to understand me. At this time, I cannot take you to where I am. And that is number one.

It is not up to me to take you with me even if I wanted that. Trust me, sometimes when I see your pain, I really want to take you with me.

Number two, you still have a job here to do, and we need you here. I need you here. It will all be given to you on a need-to-know basis. However I can tell you this much, you need to hang in there even when it feels impossible. And you must know the following. 

I was not taken from you so you would be punished. I was called for a higher job and I need you on earth so we can work together.

I love you very much so.  You have a long day ahead of you. Be strong.

Note: On this day, we were unveiling his headstone. There’s not much to say about it other than it was an unbearably painful experience. In the next two months, I rarely spoke in writing with my son, and I was trying to finish teaching a semester online. 

After unveiling, I emotionally became frozen. I think it’s because I was focusing on creating the headstone in the last few months, and after it was done, it felt like I had nothing else to do for my son. It was the most horrible feeling.

Emotionally and physically, it felt as if I had just finished a marathon: exhausted and empty. I still was speaking with my son, but not writing. The messages were all about the same things, not much new. So I will only share a few. 

1. He asked me to talk to him every day, but I could not (in writing).
2. He told me that when I’m in this frozen state, it is difficult for him to communicate with me.
3. He constantly reminded me that G-d has a plan for me and I need to accept that plan now and live accordingly. (It was difficult for me to hear that his leaving was preplanned.)
4. He constantly asked me to develop inner stability, but I could not.
5. He asked me to be more structured, but I could not.
6. He asked me to focus on my needs, but I could not. 

Not only was I feeling that I failed to do everything he asked me to do, but I also got terribly ill by the end of the semester. That started my downfall.

I was entering the Winter Night of my Soul. It was terribly dark and cold . . .

11:31 a.m.

Note 1: We were getting closer and closer to getting the headstone ready for unveiling. We had to decide on the text.

Writing the text for me was much more painful than dealing with his departure altogether. Everything was settling in. Now we had to do something permanent.

It was so grave for me that even holding a pencil in my hand to write about my child was impossible. The pen felt so heavy that I could not hold on to it. I was utterly paralyzed and frozen. This was something more than I could handle. 

And then my son came and help to move my hand and told me what to write. He gave me different variations of the text. 

The entire time, my face was like a waterfall, and it felt as if my eyes were becoming liquid. I was blinded. In fact, after this event, I actually started to lose my vision.

I felt that my tears were so hot that they were burning my skin; I now actually have vertical wrinkles below my eye. Those tears left a mark on my face. 

Mom, I can see and understand how painful it is for you to be in your narrow shell.  It is painful for the soul sometimes to be in the body as if it wants to break free.

I see how difficult it is for you to fight with the illusion of the physical present, which is constantly pulling you down.  I see the fight between the heaviness of the physical reality and the spiritual realm.

I am your son and you are my mother and we are together in all of this. I am holding your heart in my hands. Mom, just embrace me. 

Mom, thank you very much for not cutting me out of the process. I know how difficult everything is for you. I am just very thankful that you really did embrace me.  

Note 2: It is very important to embrace our children. I never said, “In the memory of my son.” Instead, I said, “In honor of my son.”  Every nonprofit, charity project that I was involved with, it was not only “in honor of my son,” but with my son.

In fact, everything I did from that moment on, I did with my son. Knowing how important it is to him that I am not cutting him out gave me the encouragement to continuously develop our partnership.  

9:59am

My dearest mommy,

It feels so nice to talk to you again. I love you very much my dearest and please do not worry about forgetting me.

I will be coming to you in your dreams, and I will be coming to you as a wave of energy.  I will always find ways to remind you that I am next to you.  You just need to know that I will never ever leave you. I am always with you.

Now, please listen to me; I have something to tell you. I want to talk to you about our work together.  Our work consists of many dimensions.  At the right time  I would come to you with very precise tasks.

Till then, I need you to just be. Do what feels right for the moment.

For the time being, just learn to fight for your life. Fight for what is important to you.  Then the rest will come as it shall. 

I’m here and I will help you.  Do not worry you will be fine. I love you!

1:04 p.m.

Hi my dear mommy,

Thank you for coming to visit me. I know that you love me very much. I need you to know that I love you very much.  I miss you no less than you miss me.

What can I say? Yes, G-d has a plan for us, and I am very thankful you are doing your best in this most tragic and painful situation.

There is no easy way out and there is no simple way to deal with it.  There is no right or wrong on how to deal with it. Everyone deals with these situations in their own unique and specific ways. 

What is important is that you have continued your daily life and that you are here next to me all the way.  I’m with you, and I’m not going anywhere.  There is no way that I am going to leave you.

Therefore, what is left for us are speaking and listening. We are together in this, you and me.  You are my mom and I am your son.  I love you mom, and I am not going to be silent.  I will speak to you from my grave and I will rise from the depth of the belly of Mother Earth and be next to you.

And as time goes by, I will become more and more involved in your life; I will become stronger and more permanent. We will work together like how we made the scarves. Just give it time and have patience.

Please mom, take care of yourself.

–You celestial son, your boy.

Note: This conversation took place a few days before my birthday. And in many messages, as you can see, my son told me to take care of myself. Though it sounds very simple or mundane, the reason he was constantly telling me that was because it was my biggest challenge.

The smallest, simplest thing I used to do without even noticing became a tremendous unbearable challenge, such as taking a shower, brushing hair, and especially cooking and eating.

Those smallest things we do every day became such heavy tasks, which I very often could not accomplish. During those times, I could not always or did not even want to take a shower or brush my hair, and sometimes I could not even make myself something to eat. Sometimes I would go days without eating. And I did not care.

Later, I had to learn to do daily tasks all over again. It was the weirdest feeling. Deep grieving has many tricks up its sleeves. It certainly did its number on me. For sure! No one escapes unscarred!