10:49pm

Mommy, mommy, please remember that I’m not only your angel, but also my dad’s. It doesn’t matter if you’re fearful or not, it will not change anything. You have to learn how to live without fear. 

Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear.  Just walk, walk, walk, and walk.

G-d has a plan for you; there is no escape. Yes, it sounds harsh, unfair, and scary. It doesn’t mean it is that way.

It’s painful and harsh and sometimes unbearable, but it is what it is. It is life on earth.

Why or what, we do not know, but Divine Providence knows. So trust that. Trust his knowledge and his care. Trust that I’m here. Trust that I’m watching you too.

Your role has not been an easy one so far. It might not be that easy down the road as well, but it is your road and no one else’s. No one is ready for Life. No one.

They think they are, but trust me, no one is. They’re all in suffering and pain just like you. And there is no one who can come and make it disappear. No one, but Divine Providence. That is why you have to trust. Trust him/her and trust the plan for you. You have no other options.

Okay, you can lie in bed all day and hide. That does not mean he won’t find you if he needs you. By looking at those others, you already know what fear has done to them. I know you don’t want that for yourself. So don’t allow it.

Don’t allow fear to grab hold of you. Embrace what you have, what was given, or taken away from you. Embrace. I’m not sure what else to tell you.  Just know that I love you.

 Note :  It was very intriguing to hear “not to fear” five times and “walk” only four times.  I remember hearing a story about a woman who asked the Rabbi what is the most used phrase in the Bible. The Rabbi could not answer the question.  Then, the woman responded with, “Do not fear.”

10:30am

Hi mommy, you are right. We have to be able to “cook” life with what is offered to us by life. There is no ultimate recipe for life.

Some might say, “Hey, follow this recipe. It’s the best.” Another might shout, “No, that recipe is too sweet. Ours is more healthy.”  Then there is a voice in the head that whispers, “Oh, I remember my grandmother’s recipe.”

What if your grandmother never cooked a turkey? What if your grandmother never heard of Thanksgiving?  What if the recipe is too sweet and another is too salty. Perhaps the tofu turkey is not your way to go anyway?

What then, mom? What then?

Then, mom, you take what everybody else is saying and make it to your own liking. It might be that this year, it’s not what you wanted.  Maybe you won’t even like what you cooked at the end.

The truth is that the guests will leave after a few hours and you will be left with the leftovers.

Of course, my transition is not a holiday or a turkey. However, it is a situation you’ve never been in before.

Regardless of if you like it or not, these are the ingredients given to you.  You do have some training in life as well. So this is your challenge. This is your test. Most importantly, this is your life.

So whatever recipe you follow or don’t follow is your choice. Even if you refuse to cook the turkey, it is your choice, but there will be no dinner for family, friends, and you.

It might be that you will take a brand new approach. That is okay too as long as you are trying and not afraid of work. As long as you are experimenting and moving forward, you are on the right path.

The only thing I ask of you mom is to never stop trying. Don’t stop cooking. Don’t stop experimenting.

There’s no such thing as a perfect recipe. There’s no such thing as the ultimate way. However, there is a way to do the job right. There is a way to have a “delicious life.”

There is a way to cook with inspiration and devotion. There is poetry in cooking.  Therefore, there is a G-d.

That is what you must recognize: recreate. Regardless of what recipe you follow, continue to recreate and adjust it. In the final recipe you choose to use, find poetry and then you will find G-d.

Mom, there is no right situation.

Very often what life brings us is unfair. All you can do is look around and ask what you’ve done to deserve all this.

The answer is that life is very aware that you have the potential to become an Iron Chef—that you can cook like no one else. Therefore, mom, take those ingredients left and take a good look. Look at them very carefully.

Respect them. Bless them. Learn to love them. Then, find the poetry in them.

As you do, you will initiate alchemy of inspiration: alchemy of cooking.  Just remember that without poetry and love, the cooking will be dull and boring.

Remember that without poetry and love, there is no flow. So, mom, take a center place with the passion that only you possess and know and orchestrate the perfect symphony of celestial cooking.

You have the ingredients. You hear the music. Find the poetry everyday in your amazing cooking.

I love you mom and fully trust that you will find a way to bring magic out of the onion and garlic.  The toughest piece of flesh when cooked with tender love and inspiration will, in the end, create an outstanding well-done turkey.

You are my mom. I am your son. You are a helper in G-d’s kitchen called life. Regardless of how angry you might be or how tired and pained you are from all this. Once more mom, face your challenge. Fire up the stove. Sharpen your knife. Embrace the challenge.

Cook, cook, and cook with what is given. Cook everyday; the poetry cannot stop until the last line is written.

The poetry cannot stop until there is a life that is yet still breathing!

11:06am

Now mommy, do you see how long it has been since we last communicated? I see how complicated this all is, especially how it’s been 18 months since the center of the horror took place.

The fact that you are suffering physically is not helping us. Yes, everything is crumbling. Everything in the past is safe. Present is in ruin. The new cannot be seen yet.

Note : I saw myself sitting on the ruins of my home with my face covered in ash and photos scattered on the ground. Everything was broken and destroyed except for the steps I was sitting on. There was nothing to savage.

In order for you to go forward, you have to change your vision of life. Think about the following:

• Your relationship with children and your relationship with parents.
• Your relationship to life, pain, suffering, and to your ability to accept life the way it is.
• And of course, it is incredibly difficult dealing with the notion of escaping life and swallowing what life is. It’s incredibly difficult to choose your true/honest path. This is not simple. First of all, be honest with who you are.
• However, mommy, I am absolutely convinced that you will be able to do all this. The only thing I’m asking you to do is to not pressure yourself, and then everything will be fine. It’s also important for you to get enough sleep and rest. In order for that to happen, you must write with me everyday. You need to focus on not getting distracted by unnecessary things.

Be with me my dearest mommy. Together we will walk across the mountains, meadows, and seas.

Together we are very strong. Talk to me, write with me, and consult with me. I will be the wings behind your back.

11:17pm

Do you see now that it only takes a pen and paper to make things move? Don’t be afraid, my dearest, don’t be afraid. I am in every bowl and every stem of the letter.

Mom, right now, you have left the world where people get dressed and go to restaurants and concerts, or are simply living their “normal life.” 

In that normal life, very often the soul is so empty and pain so huge that there is a need to dress it up with entertainment and other means. That is one kind of pain. That pain comes from emptiness.

You do have pain, but your pain is different. Your pain is the pain of a candle that is burning. Your pain is rooted in love. When pain is rooted in love, pearls and other gems are created.

The pain of emptiness has no roots. Therefore, nothing is created, only consumed. You do not need to observe that at this moment. Of course, there are happy kids and families in homes filled with laughter, but those are the ones who are full and our work is not with them.

Our work is in the Valley of Hell, where souls are screaming and moaning in intolerable pain.  It feels to them that no one will ever be able to help them and bring relief. 

G-d wants to send us there to help those who feel like no one can help them. They are together, yet so alone. They scream, but no one can hear them.

They are the souls that lost trust in Divine Providence.  If they do not open themselves up to Divine Providence, then they cannot be saved.

They must be reminded them that their children are a direct link to G-d. By seeing and knowing that their children are fine and that they are watching over them, they can transform their pain to joy.

Their children are now the healers of their parents and the world. With that, every mother and every dad are potential healers for humanity. They are wounded healers. 

11am

My Son’s Place

Hi my dearest mommy,

Thank you for coming to visit me again. Anyway, I missed you very much so.  It’s very painful for me to see your pain.

However, I feel much better now. My soul does not have pain anymore.  I’m not in pain. I simply love you very much and am able to observe how everything is still painful to you.

Remember your vision when you were reading what other people were writing? Do you remember how you stayed in the darkness and could not see anything? Then your eyes adjusted and you began to move forward. You could hear the moaning, groaning, and other noises being released from the suffering souls. Then you saw the shape of souls that were lying on rocks in agony and pain. For you, it was really painful to see their suffering and pain. And while you stood there looking at them, the only thought that entered your mind was “How can I help them?”

Well now you know what I see and how I feel. This is not my pain anymore; it is my pain for you. I’m not sure yet on what kind of candle can light the darkness and shift the pain. I only pray to G-d and ask him to bring healing to you guys.

I know that when given the chance to help others, you do so as a guide, not as a G-d. Now its my turn, and I promise you that I will not rest until you are with me and joyful. I love you so much, mom. I miss you so much.

Please, mom, please stop torturing yourself with the doubts and questions about what else you could have done for me or what you did or did not do for me. You gave me the most important thing.  You gave me the feeling that I was very much loved and deeply needed. 

The rest is not that important. You gave me feeling of love and kindness. You gave me 100% of you. You were honest with me.  I understand that if you could have done better, you would have done so.  You did what you knew and could then. What else can be asked of you?

Mom, how can I show you my love for you? How can I make you feel loved? How can I give back to you? Mom, please don’t think about others’ behaviors. Forget about them.

Be with me. Hold my hand.  In my company, you are safe and loved. Be with me mom, I need you more than ever. We have so much to do. Spend more time with me listening. Okay, mom? I love you. I am with you. Be with me.