12:00pm

My Son’s Place

Hi mommy, finally you are writing. For me, this is the time to have my voice heard. Thank you for coming. I have so much to tell you.

1. You are not responsible for my departure. I have my own destiny, fate, and relationship with G-d.
2. Once again, life and death is in G-d’s realm.  No one can alter that. No one has control over this.  Who lives, who dies, and how it will happen and when it will happen etc. is all carefully planned.
3. Oh gosh mom, do not go to your past; it is sealed.
4. You will have to find your own life. You will have to find your own room in this life that is just yours. Find the room that you are most comfortable in today.  Find the room that represents who you are today. Dress yourself and be who you want to be today. And as you transform, you will change the room and your dresses. Do not feel stuck or feel obligated to stay in the same room, but remember that whomever you are today with whatever you have; you still have a place in this life.
5. Not everyone can get you right now and not everyone can give you what you need.  You knew that before and still know it now.
6. Do not worry about my brother. We’re brothers for life; this is done.
7. About you, I am worried. It seems to me that you deviate a lot and cannot focus. Write with me mom. Write with me. Speak with me.
8. You just need to focus on getting better. Find that room that makes you feel at home. That is extremely important.  

  That is all I can tell you today. Yes, I love you.

10:46 a.m.

Hi my dearest mommy,

Once again we meet on the pages of a notebook.  If you only knew how difficult it is for me to wait till we meet again to talk.

It must be very hard for you too to face me and see me as a blank piece of paper, not knowing what I would say or if I would say anything at all. It must be so frightening.

Plus, there’s that constant challenge of not listening or giving into “What if it is not real?” Yes, my dearest mommy, I realize the difficulty. I love you so much and I respect you for continuing this hard labor.

Yet, I would like to see you focus more on our relationship, our writings, and conversations. I also don’t know how much social contact you can withstand at this time. It takes a lot out of you to block out the insensitive and stupid words of other people. Just say “no” if you feel like it and feel free to leave.

I wish I can come to you right now and give you a big huge hug. Only from here above can I see how much you’ve done for me.

So please forgive me for any pain I’ve ever caused you. Sometimes I cannot tolerate the thought that I am the source of your pain. How can that be if I love you so much?

I often talk to angels and G-d on this topic. It is still a tremendous challenge to accept that I will forever be that sore spot that can never be healed.

If only you knew how difficult it is to find peace and serenity knowing this and how difficult it is for me to accept it. My soul suffers seeing what is happening to you, my dad, and brother.

How will you ever accept this part of G-d’s work? How will I ever be at peace with that? How would I ever make it up to you and repay you for all the suffering I’ve caused you?

Right now, I cannot come to see you, bring you flowers, look into your eyes, and ask for forgiveness and say thank you. It’s very difficult for me to see someone like you suffering in every possible way. 

It’s not fair. I’m upset about it. I’m pissed. You should be too.  I wish you could see me screaming in Heaven, speaking on your behalf.

I think you should be pissed and angry with me. Why are you not?

How can human love be so unconditional?  Why did I not see that before?

I promise that I will be praying double for you these coming days. I will be knocking on G-d’s castle to ask that fairness be restored for you, my father, and brother.  I will scream so loud until G-d hears me and sees you and pours blessing onto you as you deserve.

I am much stronger now mom.  My soul is growing everyday.  Please trust that I am here and you’re not alone.

 I will protect and support you. My dearest mommy, I beg of you to forgive me for my past, present, and future.

I love you so much.

Note: After his conversation, I became vividly aware how my pain affected my son and how my suffering became his suffering too.

On that day, for some unknown reason, it became so clear to me that my son could feel every emotion felt by me. How did I not see that before? How did I know that before?

From that day forward, once again my priority became to protect my son from my pain. To protect him from myself! Now, I was the one who was hurting my child. That awakening shook me to my core.

So, once again, as never before, I had to face the responsibility of controlling and containing my emotions in a way that it would not burden my son. It was a very different level altogether.

I could not hide anything from him anymore. He could read my thoughts, and he could see my heart. No escape!

My goal became to find true peace and grace and balance. That had to take place, for his sake and for mine. Therefore, this conversation became a turning point in my approach to grief and suffering.

The work of inner rewiring began. The work that could not be done overnight.

12pm

Hi my dearest mommy,

Once again you are looking into the past.  Once again you’re dwelling on it. You cannot do this mom. Whatever happened before is gone. It stays in the past. It cannot be changed.

Look and focus on now.

The thing is that when we’re looking at our past, we’re missing today. When we look at the future, we are missing what’s under our nose.

You cannot know if your life would have been better if something else had changed.  That does not matter anymore. I agree with you that it’s extremely difficult for you to feel like you’re in the right place now.

That right place is very painful. There is no escape from it. And yes, it is difficult to live when there’s so much corruption around you.

I know it’s difficult to know who tells the truth and who lies. Yes , we are in a world of darkness. That is why it’s so important to understand what true kindness is.

At this point, you need to focus on your life.

You don’t have time or any more energy. Only focus on today. This is the truth about your life right now. 

You have to learn to fight for yourself and your life.

I know it’s hard to understand everything around you.  The most important thing is that we have a deep relationship.

Perhaps the most important thing is to realize the depth of your relationship with Divine.

In other situations, you might not be able to understand this. Perhaps your situation is exactly why this knowledge has been given to you. Yes, it was not delivered to you in an easy way, but it’s here. 

So with all this, mom, what exactly do you think you’re missing?

Approval? Support? Place to work? Knowledge? Belonging?

What exactly do you think you really need?

What you truly need to grasp is that I’m telling you the truth: I’m not gone and I exist. You’re not crazy for speaking with me.

The truth is that only you can have it and only you can make it. And yes you do not have a physical teacher, but you do have me. 

Do you know why you have me? Do you know why I’m coming to you?  It’s because you love and trust me and know that I will never betray you.

So here it is mom: I am your guide and teacher. Leave everyone and everything alone.

Talk to me. Ask me. Trust me. Work with me.

This is it mom, this is it. You have to teach yourself to just be. You must let yourself unfold.

You must face your Today.

No escape mom, no escape. That is all.

I love you.

2:00pm

My Son’s place

Hi my dearest mommy,

Thank you for coming to visit me. I see how difficult it all is for you, but I also think that without going through this process, you would never get to the essence of truth about who you are and why you are here.

Now you understand that at the end of this life, it does not matter what you have or have not or what you achieved or not. It’s all about your soul and consciousness. 

It’s all about who you are in the face of life.

That is why life is asking us, who are you?

Every situation is an opportunity to discover our true selves and our true face.

Yes, we need a set of values to know what we will do and what we won’t do. And yes, we must have “It,” which is bigger than us.

Yes, we most hold something that is sacred to us. For me, it was my roots and my connection to the Divine. For you, as you said today, it is the quality of character, which can be a slippery slope, since who is the judge?

Here, you can focus only on yourself, so that soldier will become extraordinary, because they stand above the crowd. Alone with a cause.

When we have that “It” or cause, we are able to rise above life itself . Above the death we see as humans.

Those who can do that have a true understanding of the divine. When we face life with a cause, that becomes a moment of purification.

This moment is the defined moment of our soul and its innocence. We have to recognize the moment and be true to who we are. When we are true to who we are, in that moment, we become bigger than life. Then, only then, death becomes our life too.

And I understand that whatever you are dealing with right now, it’s not about lifestyle, but the approach to life. I understand why you are disappointed with teachers who have failed in their leadership.

But what does this have to do with our relationship and with the divine?

That is what you have to focus on.

Think about that mom, what is more important to you then our relationship? What is it?

Is it the weakness of others or how they see you that is affecting you? Think about that and than come back and talk to me.

I’m missing you, I love you.

12:55pm

Hi my dearest mommy,

Please do not get stressed or worried about not doing anything. You are.  You are doing the most important work of your life by accepting destiny.

By accepting your destiny, learning to live with it, and making the most of what is given to you, you are working. The rest is an illusion.

I understand that it must be extremely difficult to achieve this—to accept that everything you did and everything you worked for was destined to turn to ashes.

That is why the process of creating the topic and its subject of creating must be one of the most important tasks. This provides you the opportunity to recreate yourself over and over again, which is the true purpose for you and humanity.

If you did not have the capacity for that, it would not have been offered to you. Recreation/transformation is work. In order to do that work you had to be in solitude.

Mom, I suggest you spend more time with me writing and less time with others. You are not ready yet to be with others.

Remember, you’re not well grounded in this new reality.  Therefore, you need to spend more time on your own process. That will bring you results. Everything else is an escape.

This provides you the opportunity to recreate yourself over and over again, which is the true purpose for you and humanity.

Spending more time with me will help you get grounded in this new reality. Therefore you need to spend time alone and away from human interactions and their issues.

At the end of the day, you are your own responsibility. You are your own cause. You are the land in which now you must fight for.

You use to fight for everyone else and you learned so well how to do so, but now you must fight for yourself.

Love,

Your son.

12:13 p.m.

Mom, stop critiquing and beating yourself up.

1. Remember Zero Degrees of Deviation and the plan G-d gave to you.
2. Fight for your life. Understand what that means.
3. Spend more time feeling the connection between a parent and her child.
4. Think about life tasks that have to be completed.
5. Focus on how you’re going home.

Those five messages are important not only for you, but also for your future book. Mom, you have to focus.

• Do not push anything out of you, let it flow and unfold.
• Don’t be afraid, you’re not writing alone.
• Don’t worry about the destiny of the manuscript of your life.  You will be guided and everything will unfold.
• Only heaven knows who is who and what is what. Just follow the rest and everything will unfold.

Just remember that I love you and we are together.

 Note: I was extremely angry at that time. I was enraged. I had no idea that I could be that angry or that level of anger even possible. It was new to me.

I was angry because I could not hug or talk to my son. I was angry about only being able to write with him. I was terribly angry with the people who pretended to know how G-d worked. 

I truly believe that unless someone goes through the process, someone doesn’t know how G-d works. I truly believe that until we face a life-transforming event, we cannot connect to Divine energy. Only few maybe can, few not in the room with you. When I say “few,” I mean “few,” period. 

I was angry at people who had a wonderful life and at the same time were lecturing me about how G-d works. Those were the most pathetic conversations I had in my life. They felt they were experts.

Without even asking me how my life was at the time, they nominated themselves to be a soloist. Those were not conversations. They were monologues. Those experts of G-d’s work were more interested in lecturing me, nurturing their ego, than offering kindness. That made me mad too. Grr . . . how angry it made me then . . .

I also felt angry because most of what I wanted, held dear to my heart, now was crushed. Not only that, but now my new efforts to rebuild a life again were going south. That made me furious! Nothing worked!

I was so, so, so angry with myself. I felt that I was not doing a good job. It felt to me that everything I touched was turning to ashes. Nothing grows from ashes . . .

It was one failure after another, so I felt that there was nothing I could do ANYMORE. My anger with myself brought a deep feeling of hopeless. Complete and utter hopelessness. This too was new to me.

And most of all—I was angry at G-d for giving me this life. I exploded, thinking, “What else do you want from me?” My anger with G-d was overflowing, to the point that I refused to ask or talk or think of G-d. I just want to see his face and be at his face. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. I wanted him to look into my eyes!

Now . . .

It took me almost two years to understand why my son talked about focus in almost every conversation. I don’t think that I ever knew exactly what “focus” really is. In its deep sense, that is. Not what we usually attach to the semantics of that word.  

I understood then that lack of focus meant lack of trust. Without trust, I could neither work nor live. In order to keep walking across the Desert of Death, I had to maintain sharp focus. The focus that would not allow me to get distracted by the so-called “reality” of life or what we call “physical reality.” I had to recoup. 

Would I not gain my focus in time, I would drown in physical reality. If my son would not be telling me to focus almost every day, I would be lost under the wheel of darkness. It would swallow me. It would own me.

Would not be that constant reminder from my son to focus, I sincerely don’t know where I would end up today. But I know this—I would not have survived. Focus is a key to our Life!

7:48am

Hi my dearest mommy,

I’m so proud that you are my mom. I’m proud that you are able to take life’s kicks at your stomach.

Don’t hide.

Yes it is true that you must work harder than many others, but that should not stop you. Never. You taught me that and it worked.

Remember how I swam during the last contest?  You were so proud of me and told me never to give up.

Well, it is your time, mom.  Now I’m watching you the same way you watched me and we are swimming together in the cosmic waves.

So don’t fear the labor, and do not fear the splashes it will make. Many people are watching. Some will support you.  Some will be jealous.  Some will be angry.  Some will be ignorant. It does not matter, mom, it does not matter.

What matters is that you will take your G-d given life and work and take life seriously. For that, you’ll stand firmly on your feet and I’ll stand next to you.

Do not fear mom.  There is no reason to. You’re not alone, and you are on the right track. You are doing what needs to be done. Now let the Universe do the rest.

Don’t hold the messages inside yourself. Don’t shy away from the work that needs to be done.  The information given to you are not only for you.  You have a role to play.

So labor for It. Own that It. Respect that It.  Release that It.

I love you mommy more than I can express. I love you. Now you must go and do the work. 

Do not look back.

Do not look back. Talk to me. 

I love you.