8:41pm

Mom, thank you for keeping your promise and making time to speak to me. In regards to pain, I don’t like it; it’s too dark and dramatic.

In regards to you, take more time to heal; you are not there yet. Mom, really, what do you believe in?

3:24pm

My darling mom, have you noticed when we don’t talk every day you go crazy?

On one hand, I do not want to take up your time with all this training. You are under enough pressure as it is. (Note: He was referring to the training I had to go through in order to teach on online.)

On the other hand, you are starting to feel abandoned and that is not true. Just because I am not coming to your dreams does not mean I am not there. Just because we’re not writing does not mean I’m not here.

It only means that the field of illusions of earth is thick, gloomy, and heavy, and sometimes you drown in it. But I’m here next to you, and I love you so much.

I will never leave you!

I know that you’re in pain. I know that you’re suffering. And I know that you’re missing my brother and I terribly.

I know all that and I know much more. So my dear mom, please feel me, hear me, and trust me.

For that I am here; my soul and my spirit is here. I love you. Take care now.

–Your son

11:35 am

Mom,  I am very happy you are going to Israel. You cannot be more close to G-d than you will be in Israel. Don’t be afraid of your journey. Do not worry. Divine Mother wants to talk to you.

From Divine Mother ( excerpt ):

My lovely child,

Listen to me, your mother

Let your soul be in peace.

Let your mind be in rest.

We are watching you,

We are hearing you,

We know where you are,

We know where you heart is,

We know where your pain is,

We know where your mind is.

Stay with me my child,

Stay with me,

I am your mother.

Listen to my voice,

Find my heartbeat.

We are one, you and me,

You are one with your son,

He is fine,

he is here

Saying ” Hi ” to you.

Have no worries,

have no fears.

Count your blessings,

New world is near.

There is no end

There is no death

There is no stop

There is no Hell

Only love and compassion

from above.

You might not understand,

You might not see all,

You will need to trust,

to accept and know

It is all a part

of the plan.

The program is running,

The tests are set up,

The choices are available,

The freewill is on.

We play by the rules,

You play by the truth.

Follow the truth and

you will never lose.

It might not be easy,

It might not be fast,

But it will take you

on your own true path.

Cry, baby, cry

Pull out your heart,

Cry, child, cry

That is part of life.

Time will change,

And you will love.

Cry today,

tomorrow is another day.

Pack your bags

and go light

Free your mind

and open your heart

Your son is with you

And we are watching over both of you.

Breathe and live

New future is here

Be patient, be kind, be humble

Be loving, be graceful, be you

Do what is needed today

Do what is needed right now

Love with your open heart.

Live with your open mind

Trust us and walk your path.

Live, love, trust

–Your Mother from above

7-08-08

8:57am

My dearest, dearest mom. Please hold on. I know that you are inside a tornado.

Please stay strong and let that tornado pass. Everything will settle down.

Let the pieces fall as they may and you will see that everything comes to pass. Hold on to me and do not leave me; I will not leave you.

We are together, mom. We are together. Everything shall pass; just wait.

9:06 a.m.

Mom, everything that happened to me is not your fault. Everything that happened to me is not your punishment.

Everything that happened to me is not an accident. Nothing happened to my soul.

I know you would not want to hear or trust this and I know that anyone in the physical world would throw this message away.

Note: He then described in detail what exactly happened with the accident. He showed me how he saw everything from above. He explained the whys and hows and showed me the entire plan. He answered every question that I had and did not have.

However, please be aware. Knowing itself does not really do anything as suffering continues. At least in my case, it still did not relieve my pain or made it all “okay.”

He asked me to forgive the drunken woman who hit his car. He asked me not to press any additional charges and not get involved in legal battles.

I followed his instructions. It would have been easier for me to go the vendetta route. I still hope that maybe she stopped taking drugs and drinking alcohol, and maybe she made something more positive out of her life.

They were of similar age. Only my son chose the path of a productive life and was working that day. She and her underage sister were walking a path of “fun and party” that is so supported and promoted in this culture.

During the hearing in the court, I saw their parents. I came only once.

I looked at them and was thinking, “Why are you okay with your young daughters driving around under the influence of alcohol and drugs . . . in the middle of the week . . . in the middle of the night? What kind of parents are you? How can you sleep at night?”

Of course there is no answer for that.

An excerpt from my upcoming book:

There are days when I feel like I don’t have a heart anymore. Or if I realize I still have one, then I can’t grasp “why” and “how” it is still there.

Why is it that the pain I have inside has not shattered my heart into millions of particles? How can it still be there as if “nothing” has happened?

There are days when I wake up and puzzled by why I am still breathing. How can that be? I ask myself. How can it be? How can it be that no one is yelling, “Mom, good morning”?

And how can it be that I can’t yell back, “Good morning to you too”? How is it even possible that I am still here and still breathing?

It feels so unnatural and so unreal to me. Then I remember a time when I was in my bed for about three to four weeks, not able to do anything or having any will to change that.

I spent day after day alone, not talking to anyone. My husband would bring me some food, but I hardly ate.

One day would change into another day. Nothing moved.

All came to a stop except for my thoughts, which came one after another, chatting and screaming in my head. At first I tried to stop them. I was fighting them back.

I remember saying to myself, “You can’t think this way.” However, after a while, I realized that they, my thoughts, were more powerful than my will.

So I stopped fighting and just let them run without any control. It was quite an amazing feeling to experience the total separation from my thoughts and emotions. It was as if they had their own life, their own reality, and their own space.

Now there were several different and separate lives: thoughts, emotions, and I. I did not know, however, what or who that “I” was.

Was it my heart, soul, intelligence, or something else? I could not ponder over that question since my thoughts were too busy with their own life.

Later I asked, who was the observer? Who observed whom? Who was suffering? Who was in control? Where is the will to live coming from?

One week changed to another week, and I noticed that my body had life too. I was gaining weight for the first time since a few years ago, when I truly cleaned up my diet and was eating more and more just raw veggies and fruits. That too surprised me since I almost did not eat anything.

“Hmmm . . . ,” I thought, “might be this is a pure weight of pain?” Pain must weigh something . . . is it?

I did not care. Not caring was a new for me too. It actually felt . . . liberating?

Then one day, my thoughts stopped talking. And there I was in complete silence. No thoughts—just emptiness. Just nothingness. I never had that in my life. I never experienced that deep, deep nothingness before. Where was I in that emptiness?

Then there was a voice. Calm, deep, cold, and foreign. It was coming from that nothingness where I rested.

The voice did not come alone. It brought a vision with itself. The vision was like a mirage in a desert. I knew something was there, but I did not know what it was. It was real, looked as 3-D, but it was also like a breeze, airy and unstable.

The vision happened to be a snapshot from a book of my life. That was recorded before, and now it was shown to me.

I was being shown where I was in my current life. I eventually became completely surrounded and wrapped up by the vision, as if it was a blanket or shawl. I became a part of it. As if I walked inside of a movie.

I was right in the middle. Once I was engulfed by the vision, the vision began to play. It felt as if I was watching myself in a movie.

“You have to choose,” said the voice. “You can no longer live in dual reality.”

Note: To be fair, this was not the first time I was shown different realities. I was confronted with the same concept before. Before everything happened with my son and our family. It was in my dreams. They troubled me. They scared me.

However, to be totally honest, at that time I was not sure what to do with it. Or how to go about it. I felt that I was doing my best at that time. At least as much as my current knowledge allowed me. Or at least that is how I thought about it. Was I wrong? Was I not doing enough? Who has those answers?

Also, this time it was very different too. More clear. More to the point. More revealing.

No room for “not knowing.” Not ANYMORE.

Right away I saw two walls forming an angle into a corner. I saw myself staying at the point of the corner. There was no space to move anywhere. I was literally forced into facing the corner. I came to a full stop.

I understood that those two walls were representations of two different realities.

The first wall was slowly unfolding with images and pictures as I watched it. Everyone knows and sees this reality. This reality was governed by the five senses.

In this corporeal reality, there was only a material life. In that reality, death meant the end, because there was no place or room for the life of the Soul. Our actions and choices were final. This reality was firm, concrete, heavy, and as real as a granite headstone on the grave. Everything led to the entry of cemeteries and graveyards.

Everything I knew led me to the funeral of my son and his resting place. In this reality, my son was tragically killed in the car accident, and that was the end. In this reality, I was a grieving mother. That was the end.

The vision stopped, and once again I froze in my pain. Then it moved again.

The second wall unfolded itself with pictures of a second reality. There I found myself floating because there was no gravity. It was a reality of the highest point of the Soul. It felt very pure, innocent. Clear. Oneness with the Cosmic ocean?

The full opposite of another reality. There were no time, no borders, and no limitations of physicality.

I saw my son again. We were talking again.

He came to me not only as my son, but also as my guide, my teacher, and my guardian angel.

In this second reality, my son did not die from an accident. He was taken by G-d at the peak of his soul wisdom and innocence in order to be preserved and protected from the first reality’s spiritual pollution.

He was called to his home, the Realm of Truth, for a particular purpose—to do the work. His work is like being a part of a medical team, saving the collective soul of humanity. It was as if he had a beeper on him that went off every time he has a job to do.

He was needed at Home to bring healing to Earth and join a team of others who were also watching over us. In this reality, I was told that the reason that I am still here is to complete my tasks as well.

I was about to team up with my son to do the work that had to be done. In this reality, I had a soul, a mission, and a community. I was loved, supported, and guided.

In this reality, I had a divine family. I was the mother of an Angel, full of clarity and purpose.

In this reality, my son and I had an eternal life. It was a reality of Trust and Truth.

I was told that those two realities could not coexist in me any longer, and it was a time for me to choose. However, I was warned that after my choice was made, there “is no turning back.”

I knew that most people accepted the first reality. The second reality was highly questionable since it is without any “proof.” Graves with the name of our family on the granite headstone were a proof of a first reality. Who can argue with that?

However, there, in the second reality, I still had my son and an offer to work with him as my teacher and guide. In return, I was asked to work seriously and with a dedication like never before.

I was asked to respect my gifts and the information that I was given. It requested a respect for any future information that I might receive. I was asked to trust it, respect it, and work with meaning, focus, and determination.

The other reality had memories and broken dreams and feelings of being betrayed by G-d. However, everyone accepted this reality without questions. This reality was full of pain, anger, police sirens, death, and devastations.

This reality did not ask anything of me and it did not offer anything in return. It was very comfortable and very familiar to me. However, it did not have room for who I truly was, only for what was “appropriate” and mundane. It provided no future for me—just day-to-day pain, grief, sorrow, a broken home, and the dust of yesterday’s dreams. It was a very tangible reality with facts, but to me it was a reality of illusions.

After each reality revealed its own essence, they once again formed the corner like the fork of paths. I now knew that I am staying at the pivotal point and facing the crossroads of my life.

I could not move. I stood for a while. It was very, very quiet. I could hear my breath. I noticed the sound of blood pulsating in the head. I was fully present to the random beating of my heart.

I had a heart. It was still alive. Though in pain, it was there.

And then I stepped into the unknown reality, the second one. I chose the reality that could not be proven—the one that was thinner than air.

I took a step toward my son. I reached for him, and he extended his hand to me. At that moment, I knew that I still have my heart, and as long as it was beating, I had to be with my son.

That is where I, as a mother, belonged. My heart belonged with my son; it can’t be anywhere else. My soul longed to be next to his soul. That day I made my choice, and it felt right.

Everything that you are reading here and will be reading in the future is the result of that choice . . . and . . . it is a tangible gift from the esoteric realm of Trust and Truth.