11:31 a.m.
Note 1: We were getting closer and closer to getting the headstone ready for unveiling. We had to decide on the text.
Writing the text for me was much more painful than dealing with his departure altogether. Everything was settling in. Now we had to do something permanent.
It was so grave for me that even holding a pencil in my hand to write about my child was impossible. The pen felt so heavy that I could not hold on to it. I was utterly paralyzed and frozen. This was something more than I could handle.
And then my son came and help to move my hand and told me what to write. He gave me different variations of the text.
The entire time, my face was like a waterfall, and it felt as if my eyes were becoming liquid. I was blinded. In fact, after this event, I actually started to lose my vision.
I felt that my tears were so hot that they were burning my skin; I now actually have vertical wrinkles below my eye. Those tears left a mark on my face.
Mom, I can see and understand how painful it is for you to be in your narrow shell. It is painful for the soul sometimes to be in the body as if it wants to break free.
I see how difficult it is for you to fight with the illusion of the physical present, which is constantly pulling you down. I see the fight between the heaviness of the physical reality and the spiritual realm.
I am your son and you are my mother and we are together in all of this. I am holding your heart in my hands. Mom, just embrace me.
Mom, thank you very much for not cutting me out of the process. I know how difficult everything is for you. I am just very thankful that you really did embrace me.
Note 2: It is very important to embrace our children. I never said, “In the memory of my son.” Instead, I said, “In honor of my son.” Every nonprofit, charity project that I was involved with, it was not only “in honor of my son,” but with my son.
In fact, everything I did from that moment on, I did with my son. Knowing how important it is to him that I am not cutting him out gave me the encouragement to continuously develop our partnership.