I Can Feel Your Pain

10:46 a.m.

Hi my dearest mommy,

Once again we meet on the pages of a notebook.  If you only knew how difficult it is for me to wait till we meet again to talk.

It must be very hard for you too to face me and see me as a blank piece of paper, not knowing what I would say or if I would say anything at all. It must be so frightening.

Plus, there’s that constant challenge of not listening or giving into “What if it is not real?” Yes, my dearest mommy, I realize the difficulty. I love you so much and I respect you for continuing this hard labor.

Yet, I would like to see you focus more on our relationship, our writings, and conversations. I also don’t know how much social contact you can withstand at this time. It takes a lot out of you to block out the insensitive and stupid words of other people. Just say “no” if you feel like it and feel free to leave.

I wish I can come to you right now and give you a big huge hug. Only from here above can I see how much you’ve done for me.

So please forgive me for any pain I’ve ever caused you. Sometimes I cannot tolerate the thought that I am the source of your pain. How can that be if I love you so much?

I often talk to angels and G-d on this topic. It is still a tremendous challenge to accept that I will forever be that sore spot that can never be healed.

If only you knew how difficult it is to find peace and serenity knowing this and how difficult it is for me to accept it. My soul suffers seeing what is happening to you, my dad, and brother.

How will you ever accept this part of G-d’s work? How will I ever be at peace with that? How would I ever make it up to you and repay you for all the suffering I’ve caused you?

Right now, I cannot come to see you, bring you flowers, look into your eyes, and ask for forgiveness and say thank you. It’s very difficult for me to see someone like you suffering in every possible way. 

It’s not fair. I’m upset about it. I’m pissed. You should be too.  I wish you could see me screaming in Heaven, speaking on your behalf.

I think you should be pissed and angry with me. Why are you not?

How can human love be so unconditional?  Why did I not see that before?

I promise that I will be praying double for you these coming days. I will be knocking on G-d’s castle to ask that fairness be restored for you, my father, and brother.  I will scream so loud until G-d hears me and sees you and pours blessing onto you as you deserve.

I am much stronger now mom.  My soul is growing everyday.  Please trust that I am here and you’re not alone.

 I will protect and support you. My dearest mommy, I beg of you to forgive me for my past, present, and future.

I love you so much.

Note: After his conversation, I became vividly aware how my pain affected my son and how my suffering became his suffering too.

On that day, for some unknown reason, it became so clear to me that my son could feel every emotion felt by me. How did I not see that before? How did I know that before?

From that day forward, once again my priority became to protect my son from my pain. To protect him from myself! Now, I was the one who was hurting my child. That awakening shook me to my core.

So, once again, as never before, I had to face the responsibility of controlling and containing my emotions in a way that it would not burden my son. It was a very different level altogether.

I could not hide anything from him anymore. He could read my thoughts, and he could see my heart. No escape!

My goal became to find true peace and grace and balance. That had to take place, for his sake and for mine. Therefore, this conversation became a turning point in my approach to grief and suffering.

The work of inner rewiring began. The work that could not be done overnight.