Note: Picture credited to the Israeli Ministry of Tourism (www.goisrael.com)

Photographer: Noam Chen

It was the Friday before the Jewish New Year. We were at the last stages of our journey, our pilgrimage. I felt that we needed to return to the Western Wall.

There was such a strong pull inside of me to go, but I was a bit hesitant. It’s not an easy experience for someone whose heart is truly broken to be there.

Standing next to the Wall can be a very sobering experience. First, it is a reminder of how cruel and harsh the physical reality can be. Second, seeing the suffering of humanity, hearing heartfelt prayers and their cry out to their creator openly, in the public, is a truly enormously, deeply moving experience.

Being part of those ones who are at the end of their road, who are feeling over their limits and yet coming here as a first or last resort, what else is a more powerful statement to our immense connection with Divine Providence?

Note: I have experienced many tragic and not-so-tragic situations in my life, but what happened with my son completely brought me down and isolated my soul.

I felt that no one could help me. And what kind of “help” are we talking about? What help? With what?

On the top, in my suffering I did not care that much whether G-d existed or not. That even was not the question. I cried not knowing why or how I could cry so much.

On one hand, I could feel and understand my physical limitations, such as when I waited at the bus station with a fever to go to Eilat. There, for the first time, I so clearly realized that I was nothing by myself.

On the other hand, my soul reached such depth of which I was not aware of before. My body and my soul had their own separate lives, and I was fully aware of the split.

Therefore, the pull to come here once again was a desire of the soul of the mother who was holding her son’s hand once again. She wanted to face her maker.

1:00 p.m.

We arrived at the Wall.

1:20 p.m.
I was facing the Wall, quietly crying when the Voice spoke to me. It was in Russian. Below is a translation of the excerpt of what I was hearing and recording.

I hear the screaming in the cry
I hear pain and mourn
I left you the Wall for wailing,
A strong shoulder for your tears.
Here you all are standing together,
In hopes to receive relief,
To receive something.

I hear you, all my children.
I hear your cries.
And here, you are not going to find the answers.
Your tragedies will not disappear.
I do hear you all,
However, help is not here,
And not right away.
Why would I lie to you, children?
Come over here and continuously pray,
Trust your star hour (best time) will come.

You all will come back to me.
And I will accept all of you.
Only then will we understand,
Only then will we understand,
Only then will we understand,
That I am your G-d
And I will show all of you.

So, my darling daughter,
I’m going to tell you—
Do not wait.
Life is not easy—so what?
Pain in the heart—heal your soul.

Give freedom and free will to your soul
And follow her always.
What is true and what is not—who knows?
Who knows about me?

However, I’m going to tell you the truth
The truth is, I can see you
And I love you.
You have to trust your soul
And that’s all the truth.

You must know that only inner truth
Is the direct path to me.

Follow this road—do not fear.
Trust the truth within.
Walk right next to me,
Because I’m only One.

And I can see your every step.
Whether you beg me or not,
I’m always with you all the time
Everywhere.
This is my blessing to you.
This is my will to you:

Go
Don’t fear
Have faith
Do not wait

Wait,
Love,
Heal.

After this conversation and as I was walking away from the Wall, I physically felt like I had more strength in my body, especially in my spine. I felt that I could stand straight.

But make no mistake, I was leaving with a quite heavy heart. I was terribly angry at G-d for taking my son. I also had lots of beef with all the angels and other sources and beings of Divine Providence for not protecting my son.

I was going away with a feeling of not wanting to talk to G-d anymore. I did not want to ask him for anything. I actually refused to ask G-d for anything. Why?

I always asked G-d to protect my children. Now, with my trust being betrayed, anger at G-d entered the soul of the mother. Was I first?