10:38 a.m.
Note: My son was born on December 5. As his 19th birthday approached, I was stuck in a state of shock, not knowing how to deal with this coming event.
Around that time, I faced another crisis. On one hand, I fully and entirely understood that the architect is the creator of the plan for my life. What really hit me then was the awareness that G-d is responsible for my grief and sorrow. I did not care if it was right or wrong because I was in so much pain. If the departure of my son was written by the author of my life (G-d), then my pain is a result of his writing.
On the other hand, my son comes to speak with me regularly and teaches me how to deal with all that. Many forces from Divine Providence, like the spirit of Tzfat, came to help me and heal me. That brings me to ask, “Why did you hurt me in the first place?”
Why did you cut my hands off and then come and teach me how to live without them? The closer I moved toward my son’s birthday, the deeper the conflict manifested itself. My younger son always loved to celebrate his birthday, and something was always planned on his special day.
Losing him and having his birthday coming up shattered me over and over again. It was the thought that I would never be able to come early in the morning to hide presents for him and watch that first expression on his face that killed me. This new awareness killed me!
Hi my dearest mommy,
Once again, you and I are speaking here today. I know you are very sad that my earth birthday is coming up. Now look, I have two birthdays. One as an earthly boy on December 5th and another as a star (celestial) child on April 18th. Is that not cool?
You have many questions. What to do for me? How to approach it? What else can be done? How to celebrate me in my life?
Mom, you always knew what I wanted. Or if you did not know, you would always ask me just as what you are doing now.
So what do I want my birthday to be from above? Mom, I want your love. I want your smile. I want you to be next to me with your kisses and hugs. And I want presents. So how can you deliver all that to a celestial child?
- Love me in your heart.
- Keep me in your thoughts.
- Come and sit with me at my place.
- Bring me flowers, bring me rocks.
- Read to me the 20th Psalms of David.
- Light a candle.
- Bring your notebook so we can talk.
- Most of all and the biggest of them all: fight for your life.
Take up a cause that you can do during this year. Promise me something that is bigger than you and let’s do it together. Let me have that as our present.
I know if you promise, you will do it. Choose an act of goodness. Choose something that will bring you joy and will remind you of me every time. Take your time and think about it.
Your soul will know. You know me. You know yourself. We are very similar.
Do not worry; it will come to you. Just open yourself up and it will come. Trust mom, and you can check with me as well. Just remember it must be meaningful to you too.
Talk to you shortly,
Your Celestial Son