Hi my dear mommy,
Thank you for coming to visit me. I know that you love me very much. I need you to know that I love you very much. I miss you no less than you miss me.
What can I say? Yes, G-d has a plan for us, and I am very thankful you are doing your best in this most tragic and painful situation.
There is no easy way out and there is no simple way to deal with it. There is no right or wrong on how to deal with it. Everyone deals with these situations in their own unique and specific ways.
What is important is that you have continued your daily life and that you are here next to me all the way. I’m with you, and I’m not going anywhere. There is no way that I am going to leave you.
Therefore, what is left for us are speaking and listening. We are together in this, you and me. You are my mom and I am your son. I love you mom, and I am not going to be silent. I will speak to you from my grave and I will rise from the depth of the belly of Mother Earth and be next to you.
And as time goes by, I will become more and more involved in your life; I will become stronger and more permanent. We will work together like how we made the scarves. Just give it time and have patience.
Please mom, take care of yourself.
–You celestial son, your boy.
Note: This conversation took place a few days before my birthday. And in many messages, as you can see, my son told me to take care of myself. Though it sounds very simple or mundane, the reason he was constantly telling me that was because it was my biggest challenge.
The smallest, simplest thing I used to do without even noticing became a tremendous unbearable challenge, such as taking a shower, brushing hair, and especially cooking and eating.
Those smallest things we do every day became such heavy tasks, which I very often could not accomplish. During those times, I could not always or did not even want to take a shower or brush my hair, and sometimes I could not even make myself something to eat. Sometimes I would go days without eating. And I did not care.
Later, I had to learn to do daily tasks all over again. It was the weirdest feeling. Deep grieving has many tricks up its sleeves. It certainly did its number on me. For sure! No one escapes unscarred!