Mom, stop critiquing and beating yourself up.
- Remember Zero Degrees of Deviation and the plan G-d gave to you.
- Fight for your life. Understand what that means.
- Spend more time feeling the connection between a parent and her child.
- Think about life tasks that have to be completed.
- Focus on how you’re going home.
Those five messages are important not only for you, but also for your future book. Mom, you have to focus.
- Do not push anything out of you, let it flow and unfold.
- Don’t be afraid, you’re not writing alone.
- Don’t worry about the destiny of the manuscript of your life. You will be guided and everything will unfold.
- Only heaven knows who is who and what is what. Just follow the rest and everything will unfold.
Just remember that I love you and we are together.
Note: I was extremely angry at that time. I was enraged. I had no idea that I could be that angry or that level of anger even possible. It was new to me.
I was angry because I could not hug or talk to my son. I was angry about only being able to write with him. I was terribly angry with the people who pretended to know how G-d worked.
I truly believe that unless someone goes through the process, someone doesn’t know how G-d works. I truly believe that until we face a life-transforming event, we cannot connect to Divine energy. Only few maybe can, few not in the room with you. When I say “few,” I mean “few,” period.
I was angry at people who had a wonderful life and at the same time were lecturing me about how G-d works. Those were the most pathetic conversations I had in my life. They felt they were experts.
Without even asking me how my life was at the time, they nominated themselves to be a soloist. Those were not conversations. They were monologues. Those experts of G-d’s work were more interested in lecturing me, nurturing their ego, than offering kindness. That made me mad too. Grr . . . how angry it made me then . . .
I also felt angry because most of what I wanted, held dear to my heart, now was crushed. Not only that, but now my new efforts to rebuild a life again were going south. That made me furious! Nothing worked!
I was so, so, so angry with myself. I felt that I was not doing a good job. It felt to me that everything I touched was turning to ashes. Nothing grows from ashes . . .
It was one failure after another, so I felt that there was nothing I could do ANYMORE. My anger with myself brought a deep feeling of hopeless. Complete and utter hopelessness. This too was new to me.
And most of all—I was angry at G-d for giving me this life. I exploded, thinking, “What else do you want from me?” My anger with G-d was overflowing, to the point that I refused to ask or talk or think of G-d. I just want to see his face and be at his face. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. I wanted him to look into my eyes!
Now . . .
It took me almost two years to understand why my son talked about focus in almost every conversation. I don’t think that I ever knew exactly what “focus” really is. In its deep sense, that is. Not what we usually attach to the semantics of that word.
I understood then that lack of focus meant lack of trust. Without trust, I could neither work nor live. In order to keep walking across the Desert of Death, I had to maintain sharp focus. The focus that would not allow me to get distracted by the so-called “reality” of life or what we call “physical reality.” I had to recoup.
Would I not gain my focus in time, I would drown in physical reality. If my son would not be telling me to focus almost every day, I would be lost under the wheel of darkness. It would swallow me. It would own me.
Would not be that constant reminder from my son to focus, I sincerely don’t know where I would end up today. But I know this—I would not have survived. Focus is a key to our Life!