Focus. Focus. Focus.

12:13 p.m.

Mom, stop critiquing and beating yourself up.

  1. Remember Zero Degrees of Deviation and the plan G-d gave to you.
  2. Fight for your life. Understand what that means.
  3. Spend more time feeling the connection between a parent and her child.
  4. Think about life tasks that have to be completed.
  5. Focus on how you’re going home.

Those five messages are important not only for you, but also for your future book. Mom, you have to focus.

  • Do not push anything out of you, let it flow and unfold.
  • Don’t be afraid, you’re not writing alone.
  • Don’t worry about the destiny of the manuscript of your life.  You will be guided and everything will unfold.
  • Only heaven knows who is who and what is what. Just follow the rest and everything will unfold.

Just remember that I love you and we are together.

 Note: I was extremely angry at that time. I was enraged. I had no idea that I could be that angry or that level of anger even possible. It was new to me.

I was angry because I could not hug or talk to my son. I was angry about only being able to write with him. I was terribly angry with the people who pretended to know how G-d worked. 

I truly believe that unless someone goes through the process, someone doesn’t know how G-d works. I truly believe that until we face a life-transforming event, we cannot connect to Divine energy. Only few maybe can, few not in the room with you. When I say “few,” I mean “few,” period. 

I was angry at people who had a wonderful life and at the same time were lecturing me about how G-d works. Those were the most pathetic conversations I had in my life. They felt they were experts.

Without even asking me how my life was at the time, they nominated themselves to be a soloist. Those were not conversations. They were monologues. Those experts of G-d’s work were more interested in lecturing me, nurturing their ego, than offering kindness. That made me mad too. Grr . . . how angry it made me then . . .

I also felt angry because most of what I wanted, held dear to my heart, now was crushed. Not only that, but now my new efforts to rebuild a life again were going south. That made me furious! Nothing worked!

I was so, so, so angry with myself. I felt that I was not doing a good job. It felt to me that everything I touched was turning to ashes. Nothing grows from ashes . . .

It was one failure after another, so I felt that there was nothing I could do ANYMORE. My anger with myself brought a deep feeling of hopeless. Complete and utter hopelessness. This too was new to me.

And most of all—I was angry at G-d for giving me this life. I exploded, thinking, “What else do you want from me?” My anger with G-d was overflowing, to the point that I refused to ask or talk or think of G-d. I just want to see his face and be at his face. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. I wanted him to look into my eyes!

Now . . .

It took me almost two years to understand why my son talked about focus in almost every conversation. I don’t think that I ever knew exactly what “focus” really is. In its deep sense, that is. Not what we usually attach to the semantics of that word.  

I understood then that lack of focus meant lack of trust. Without trust, I could neither work nor live. In order to keep walking across the Desert of Death, I had to maintain sharp focus. The focus that would not allow me to get distracted by the so-called “reality” of life or what we call “physical reality.” I had to recoup

Would I not gain my focus in time, I would drown in physical reality. If my son would not be telling me to focus almost every day, I would be lost under the wheel of darkness. It would swallow me. It would own me.

Would not be that constant reminder from my son to focus, I sincerely don’t know where I would end up today. But I know this—I would not have survived. Focus is a key to our Life!