12:29pm
Oh my dearest mom, how deeply I love you. It kills me to see how much pain you are in now. I suffer and am in pain from the fact that I cannot help you.
I feel like you’re slipping away, and I cannot really reach you. I don’t know how else to lift you and help you. I feel so powerless and broken. Even this new angelic form is not giving me much in regards to you. I see that you are becoming more and more detached from life and its energy.
I see your spirit and the merit of your soul fading away. You remind me of a piece of ice melting under the sun. The environment that is supposed to support you is not doing its job. Even I don’t know now what is the perfect situation for you to not only to function, but also live.
I see that you’re losing interest in everything. Our conversations are not giving you bliss. You are writing with me less and less, and I am asking for it more and more.
What is going on mom? What is happening? How can I help you? What can I do?
I am sorry for what happened but I cannot change the Divine Plan. My days were numbered like everyone else. You just had a bigger number than me. I am not the one who assigns numbers. I’m not the one who seals the fate. I’m not the one who creates destiny.
I wish I could kiss and hug you now and yell, ”You’re so crazy and weird.” I wish I could open the door and smell the food you’re making for me. I wish you could massage my back and touch my hair as you did. But I can’t and that’s not possible anymore. That is neither yours nor my doing. That is pure G-d’s work. End of story, mom, ok?
With all this in mind, what is next? What is left? What are we going to do, mom?
You and I are still connected. That is still here. You still love me and I love you even more.
So, what are we going to do with all this love and connections?
I know that you have no answers. I know that you feel lost. So mom, can I offer you some suggestions?
Can I tell you what I want you to do? You always listened to me. Can you listen to me now?
- I really want you to write with me every day.
- I really want you to stop smoking. ( I started when he shifted)
- I really want you to stop questioning why you are here. Just wait and see and it will come.
- I want you to relax and stop looking for a meaning.
- I truly want you to just be, and not push yourself in one or the other direction.
- Stop looking into the future.
- Finish everything in the house; clean it and make it yours.
- Come and visit me. Talk with me. Love me. Hear me.
That is all for now mom. Thank you for listening and loving me. I hug and kiss you.
I love you, my weird and crazy mom.
–Your son.