Stand Up and Walk

12:45 p.m.

At My Son’s Place

Hi my dearest mommy, your doubts are eating you alive. Hold my hand, I am with you. On Earth, not everything is simple; it is complicated and confusing. The truth is altered and that is why we need to listen to ourselves.

Mom, you have a job to do. You need to start to write at least one page at the time. How are you planning to redefine death if you are not living?

Believe when we create. You create when you write. Listen to me, mom, and listen to my voice and spirit. Stand up on your two feet and walk.

You must trust this. Do not go to the other side. There is only darkness there.

Be with me, I am your light. You don’t need anyone else; I am enough. Remember me!

Note: Around this time, I saw a dream. In that dream, I was unable to walk. I tried and tried and tried, but I could not. In that dream, my feet were not supporting me. I did not have kneecaps. My kneecaps were missing.

In that dream, every time I tried to stand up, I was crashing. I was falling down. Over and over and over again. My body was bruised from falling and was bleeding. My skin was ruptured in many places. I was in pain. “How many times should I try to stand up?” I thought in my dream. And then I tried again, just to end up on the harsh ground again. My face was covered in dirt and mud; my hair was a mess.

Then someone handed me crutches. I could not see “who.” He/She was not trying to help me to stand up. He/She just placed crutches next to me and left. Once again, I was alone, in the dark, on the ground.

In my dream, as the morning came, I picked up the crutches that were left for me and slowly rose above the ground. Finally I could stand. Yes, with the help of the crutches, but I was standing. My whole body was shaking. I was feeling weak, anemic, and terribly uncomfortable. But I was standing. The warm wave of deep appreciation for crutches covered me.

As I was trying to hold myself with the help of the crutches, I heard voices of my children behind me. I turned my head, and there they were. Smiling and waving their hands. They were cheering me up: “Just walk, Mom . . . just walk . . . you can do it . . . walk, Mom, walk . . .”

I could not stay still . . . Not when my children were asking me to move . . . Slowly I started to move forward with crutches under my armpits. The voices of my children and their trust in me truly helped me to move forward. What Mom wants to be a “looser” in the eyes in her children? So I collected everything that I had in me and walked. I still was a total mess, but I was walking. In pain, but walking. Alone, but walking. Not knowing where I was going, but walking and moving forward.

And as I kept walking in that dream, something magical happened. The artificial kneecaps were given to me. They took the place of my original ones. I did not even stop. They just appeared on their own. Without me seeing how and from whom. In my dream, I did not feel the moment when they were placed on me. I just felt that my walk changed. It became easier to walk.

The new ones, the artificial kneecaps, were made out of titanium. They looked odd, foreign; however, they took the pain away and supported me enough that I could release myself from the crutches. They did not feel natural to me at all, but they were able to hold me up. They were able to allow me to start to walking again. Independently. Without falling. Without any crutches.